This is me.......

                                   
                                                                                        
This is me on a Monday, This is me on a Tuesday...............

So, this last week has been so insane.  I am living in chaos. I mean if you have ever seen The Beach and remember when Leonardo Dicaprio loses his mind and is in a video game.  That is how I feel my life has become.  No money and living with people you don't really have a choice to live with out of pure desperation brings some major drama.  Alcoholism, being offered money for sex, mmmmm...... what else can I think of.  Well, lets just say my journey has been quite interesting to say the least.  Oh, I love this one.  "Why don't you just buy an old camper and then you don't have to worry about it."  Don't have to worry about where I am going to live or worry about someone breaking in and killing me, raping me, or breathing in toxic chemicals from the glue they use to glue them together.  I am sure that my immune system and central nervous system would be ever so delighted.  And even if I could I don't have the money to buy one.  Don't get me wrong, I have considered all kinds of things.  Lets just say, when survival is key, you will consider crazy things.  Then I break down in tears thinking how could I even think like that.  How could I be at a place in my life where that would be an answer.  Oh my God!  Maybe ending it isn't such a bad idea. 
But I will not. I will keep on walking....... Hang in there..... Don't give up....... It will be alright...... These are my mantras that I repeat daily.  I am healing is another one.  I have my son and someday I will tell him what I did for love.  What I did for him and he will give me a huge hug and say, Mom, I love you and am so grateful that you are a part of my life.  He is the apple of my eye, my one true love, the reason I breathe.....  When we go to sleep at night he usually talks to me in the dark.  I sometimes cry but he doesn't know it.  He says, Mommy, I love you and I am sorry you hurt.  Mommy, who is God.  Mommy, Do you think a meteor is going to hit the earth.  Mommy, can we go to the park tomorrow.  Mommy, you got ticks in you.  No Kaden, I have bugs from a tick bite.  Well, mommy, its the same thing.  LOL.  If you can imagine a five year old talking.....
I posted these pics to show what Lyme Disease is.  Maybe just maybe you will see.....  When you see me at the grocery store.  It is because I slept all day, took enough pain pills and advil to get there for the half hour only to go back home and fall down.  When you see me a skateboard auction, it is because I was curled in fetal position all day praying my ass off to make it there for maybe an hour.  See, when people see me they see this pretty girl that looks like she does yoga or goes running.  She leads this exciting life.  But she doesn't.  She wakes up at 6 am, rolls over with a tear rolling down her cheek trying to grab the bottle of advil because the pain is so severe. Her fingers barely can get the bottle open fast enough. Then she rolls back over, closes her eyes wipes the tears away,  and prays she can fall back asleep for an hour.  Then when she wakes she is so out of it from her sleep meds she has to prop her self up with 4 pillows and breathe for 30 minutes, do some self talk to get her beaten up body out of bed.  She then goes downstairs, makes her tea and oatmeal, goes back to bed, takes more pills and watches Regis and Kelly.  Then she trys to decide if she should go to the store now or later after she takes a two hour rest.  Then about 5 pm she gets up, heart racing, vertigo, lightheadness, puts a beanie on since she hasn't taken a shower in 2-3 days, goes to the bathroom, takes a baby wipe and wipes her armpits cuz she stanks.  :)) True story.  Then she puts her uggs on and a big jacket.  Gets in her car, goes to the grocery store which is completely scary.  The lights are blaring, the peoples voices feel like they are going to give her a seizure right there.  Oh shit. I better get out of here.  Then she holds on to the cart, gets to her car, unloads groceries.  Then a mean person walks by and says, You know MISS, you can get in alot of trouble for using a handicap sticker.  Something to think about.  Then she says, get a life asshole.

 Then that night she eats, takes her sleep meds,  puts an icepack on her head, earplugs in, box fan on so she doesn't have to listen to her heart beating 200 beats per minute,  then lays in bed for 2 hours tossing and turning because the pain is so bad.  She falls asleep.  Yep, welcome to life with Lyme.  I know it sounds terrible.  But really, the bad part is falling asleep wondering where you will end up living in a month from now, or if you will have enough money to buy your advil, pay the basics,  or if the pain is going to keep getting worse.  Or better yet,  if you really would have sex for money.  This is my reality.

A Day with Kaden

                                        
 
Hi Again,
Just an update.  Many of you don't know my living situation and I wish so badly to share it but lets just say it is not healthy for me at all.  I had to go to a friends house yesterday to get away from it.  Thank God for my friend and his hospitality.  I had Kaden my son with me and he woke me up bright and early this morning.  Waking up with lyme disease is a task.  Most mornings, a tear runs down my face because I wake up to pain.  The way I explain it is, bone crushing.  It feels as if someone beat me to a pulp with a baseball bat, then put my bones through a meatgrinder.  Just saying......  I reach over to my advil bottle shaking while trying to get enough down to tame the beast.  I am usually by myself except the occasional night that my son is over.  I turn over and feel the advil hit my bloodstream.  Then I stare at my beautiful baby boy sleeping.  He always opens his eyes and smiles instantly at me.  He says, mom, I love you.  This keeps me going.  Today I told him for the ninth time, that I must move again.  He said, why, where, are we not going to see eachother for a long time?  I tried to explain it to him.  He, like any other 5 year old, started playing with a lego.  He is easily sidetracked but I can tell it hurts him.  He always says, we will win the lottery mommy and then we can live together.  I always say, that is the plan babe.  So, today I feel more hopeful.  Something will happen.  I have to believe that God is going to provide a plan.  I just hope this next move he can give me a year in a stable chaos free place.  What a dream that would be.   Love all of you for supporting me.  All of your letters, prayers, and donations are helping.  I dream that in a month I am posting a pic of me in my new place.  xo nite

A Place to Stand......

                                   
Hi Y'all,
  Many of you may already know me, some of you may remember me from a website http://www.jamiesmiracle.com/, some of you may know me through facebook, some of you may know me through some youtube videos I used to have, but if you are new, my name is Jamie and I have chronic lyme disease and have also been diagnosed with systemic lupus.  I am Mother to a beautiful 5 year old that I wake up for every day.  He is my life, my love, and I dream of being a real Mommy to him again someday.
  I woke up May 1, 2006 with a really bad flu.  I told my husband (now my ex) that I was really sick and I felt like I had spinal meningitis.  He took my temperature and it was 104.  I went to the doctor immediately and he said it was probably just a sinus infection and if I had spinal meningitis I would already be dead.  I said, " Well, are you sure, because I know my body really well, and my spine feels so stiff and sore, and if I were to imagine what it would feel like to have spinal meningitis, this is what it would feel like. "  He sent me home with a bottle of Augmentin (antibiotics).  Within 5 days, my symptoms were all gone.  Off to Lake Shasta for some camping and fun.  Two days into the trip my fever was high again and all of my symptoms were back  This is just the beginning of my journey.  It has been a very crazy roller coaster ride, things you could not believe, stories that would make you beg God to die.  It is like the movie Jumanji.  You go into an underground world and you are trying to find your way through but it never ends.
  I am still on this journey and some days are unbareable but I have days now that make life worth living.  People ask if I am better?  And this is what I have to say, There are things that are better and there are things that are worse.   I am amazed at the strength I have been blessed with.  People have said,  You are so strong.  I was like, yeah, whatever, me, the one who breaks down everyday in tears thinking of a way out.  Anyone who has Lyme or has had Lyme or maybe has a family member with Lyme has had this thought.  We all share the same emotions.  We all share the same univeral feeling.
  Today, I am starting this blog to talk about my crazy rollercoaster ride of the last 5 years, bare with me, it will take some time, but it will be worth the read.  I am asking or should I say (((((begging))))) for your help.  Even a dollar.  I have just found out again that I must move from my home.  This will be my ninth move in the last 2 years.  My health is getting worse and I am unable to even fathom doing treatment while having to pack up again to move.  I am at a breaking point, the end of the line.  I cannot move again.  It is emotionally and physically killing me inside.  You may wonder, where are my parents?  They both died in the middle of my illness.  What about family?  They are unwilling to help and if they have it has been for a short, "Well, you can stay here for few months but that is it."  And there is only a couple of them.  What about my husband?  He abandoned me completely and hooked up with a 25 year old who is raising my son.  I cannot see my son more than once a week due to not having my own place.  What about Social Security Disabiliy?  Been denied twice.  Still working on it.  What about housing for people that are low income?  I slept in a room with over a 100 homeless people for 7 hours curled in a ball with my blanket on the ground to find out that I am on a waiting list but there is no funding for the state.  Low income apartments all have a waiting list of at least 100 people and the list doesn't move fast.  The last guy I talked to said, well, you can go stay at the homeless shelter.  It was an option until I found out some girl that was there stabbed another girl.  So, this is where I am.  I will be forever grateful for any kind of help you can offer.  My goal is to raise enough money to pay rent for a year in the cheapest place I can find and get back on treatment and try to regain some control of my life.  I am so sick and scared that if I don't accomplish this I am not going to make it through.   I know this may be a big goal, but I am out of options. From the bottom of my soul please, please, please..... I need your help.
I will be writing about my new journey and where I end up.  I know there are so many of us that need help and it is hard to help everyone but a dollar will make a difference.  xo jamie